Finding My Way Back to Me.
“At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.” ― Christine Mason Miller
It’s midnight. I’m laying on my stomach pretending to watch something on TV.
My senses are heightened, i’m physically prepared for anything that could happen. All of my muscles are tense.
I’m watching The Office as usual, my favorite two episodes-When Jim and Pam are marrying in Niagra Falls.
I start to pay attention to the show and he can see me smiling dreamily at my favorite on scene couple, knowing i’ll never have that kind of love…
“You know i’ll never marry you, right?”
“Oh. I always thought that was the plan. I understand if you’ve changed your mind”
“I’m sorry. I will never love you like that again. That part of our relationship is broken. I will stay with you until our son has grown into adulthood but I’ll never be in love with you again”
I keep a half grin on my face and keep eye contact, controlling my breathing and movements as carefully as I can.
“Alright. That is something that I can learn to live with. But please, you’re breaking my heart. Can you please just stop. I understand. Let’s try and have a good rest of our night…”
*stops talking*
“I just don’t understand how our whole relationship can be ruined”
He’s set off in the blink of an eye. He’s perceived me asking him to stop saying hurtful things and then continuing to speak as an attack to his ego.
He leaps from where he is laying on the bed and he has me by the back of my hair, breathing down my neck:
“You don’t tell me to stop talking so you can keep talking. You listen to what i have to fucking say do you understand? I’ll fucking choke you with a piano wire do you understand?”
“Yes” I said, barely making a sound.
I can see my two older kids shuffling outside of the door, keeping their dog from our room. We don’t have a door to hide the abuse anymore, he’s destroyed it over time. He’s destroyed nearly every piece of furniture, door, and wall in our home. He’s pulled every family memory from our walls and torn them to pieces.
Bowie makes her way in. She’s a big, dumb, yellow lab. She crawls the floor to me, she’s at eye level as I’m cowering in fetal position just repeating “why”. Her eyes are concerned but I’m overwhelmingly more concerned for her safety. I keep trying to push her out and she won’t budge.
He grabs the steak-knife from the broken computer desk. The knife he’s been using to lock our door because he damages the house in his fits of rage and then says our home is depressing to be in yet he refuses to fix anything.
First he kicks the dog out of the room, with all of his strength kicks her until she leaves the room. She spent a week after this incident army crawling through the house.
He gets down at eye level with me as i’m still shaking and repeating “why” and jabs the knife into the ground while keeping steady eye contact with me.
He finally stops. I finally break out of my paralyzing fear and inch my way to him on the bed.
“It’s ok. I know this isn’t you. I know that you’re easing into your new meds. I know you’re a good man. I am here, babe. I’ll always love you. I’ll always be here. Shh”
“STOP! I don’t deserve that. You need to get away from me I’m abusive.”
“I know who you can be. I’ve seen the good man in you. You’re an amazing father and can be a wonderful partner. You just need proper help.”
I shakily walk to the living room. I look at all of the walls. The walls that we’d been surrounded by for the longevity of our relationship. For the whole life of our son we brought into the world together. Walls that are covered in holes. Walls that are void of any family pictures or memories that will tell me all of this has been worth the pain.
My two older sons are gone. They snuck onto their gaming system in the midst of His madness and chatted their father begging him to pick them up because they were afraid.
The dog is cowered in the corner, her beautiful honey eyes forever changed.
I crumble to the ground on the back porch and pray for an escape.
"Why Doesn't She Leave" 